To my Parents

Mum, Dad:

Thank you for being my wing-men. Not with the whole “helping me pick up guys at the bar” thing, but with the whole, y’know, “life” thing.

Octopus trousers. Yup.
These were an actual thing that people paid money for and wore. Seriously.

Thanks for letting thirteen-year-old me spend your money on octopus trousers and fingerless fishnet gloves from Tammy while most of the other girls were spending their parents’ money on bows and frills and fluffy things.

Thanks for giving me books instead of video games; time with my grandparents instead of time with a babysitter; confidence and belief instead of caution and doubt.

Thanks for always knowing the right drink for every occasion (coffee when I’m tired, Irn-Bru when I’m hungover, tea when I’m unwell and Jack Daniel’s when I’ve had a long day). Thanks for never putting the milk in before the teabag and for knowing that adding sugar to coffee is SACRILEGE.

Thanks for responding to my inappropriate jokes with equally – or more – disgusting comments instead of admonishing me. Thanks for being relatively cool about that time you were on holiday and a wall fell down in our house because I had a massive party which I advertised on Facebook. Thanks for never letting me advertise a party on Facebook ever again.

Thanks for liking Bruce Springsteen and Buddy’s burgers and Breaking Bad. Thanks for knowing how important it is to NEVER DELETE ANYTHING RUSSELL BRAND RELATED from the Sky+ planner.

My dad's (built-in) onesie (with the socks on that motherfucker) game is unrivalled.
Macklemore may have a Batman onesie, but my dad has a penguin onesie. No competition here.

Dad – thanks for knowing all the words to “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore and turning the radio up to full volume so we can rap them loudly in the car together. Mum – thanks for looking on with thinly veiled amusement and tutting with mock disapproval.

Thanks for missing me so much that you now have Skype, WhatsApp and FaceTime installed on your laptops, phones and iPads. Thanks for having no idea how to use any of them and constantly sending me accidental crotch shots.

Thanks for keeping me in line but pushing me forwards; for holding my hair back and keeping my chin up.

Thanks for my love of reading, my appreciation of nature and my ability to drop a few pounds without losing anything from my chest. I got all of this from you, and so much more. (Well, maybe I just have my mum to thank for that last one – AM I RIGHT, LORNA?!)

Thanks for caring, for loving, for sharing, for giving, for learning, for teaching, for laughing, for believing.

Thanks for being my parents, my mentors and my best friends; now, then and always.


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